Best job Ever

I got fired from a lot of jobs. I used to sell this brand of yogurt to shops, but I got fired for pissing off the shop owners, whatever, they were idiots anyway. And I used to work for at this tobacco shop, but all the customers were idiots who didn’t know anything about tobacco, so I would just cuss them out. Whatever, no big deal.

And then I got this job at the Vatican (I’m Italian, by the way), and it’s just perfect.

There are these hallways in Vatican where tourists are not supposed to go because they are like private chambers and everything. And there are signs that say “No Tourists Allowed, No Admittance” with a little picture of a person crossed out and a red rope across the hall, but I guess people are too stupid to understand so they have to put a person in each of these places, and that’s my job. I’m the guy who tells these dumb fucks not to go there.

I like this job and I like my boss, Cardinal X. Whenever he goes down his private hallway with a little boy or something, I nod and say hello, and he says hello back. I guess he’s a good guy, even though he’s a real idiot.

Like that one time he passed me and we said hello, and then this old lady followed him, and I said “Hey you dumb cow, can’t you read? You cannot go there. Lose some weight and get less old, please. Fuck you very much.” She got all angry about it, and my boss stopped in his hallway and looked back, but I could tell from his stupid face he did not care, and he just continued on and disappeared around a corner.

So anyway, I get accused of violence and bad conduct a lot, but I’m lucky the Church doesn’t care. I’m lucky to have this job and they’re lucky to have me.

Posted by: Paweł Kowaluk