Chapter 2: How, In All Actuality, She Loves Me

Anyway, as I was saying, years later I moved to America. I fiddled with this and fiddled with that, and sorry if I am disrespectful, but I also fiddled with a lot of vaginas (vaginae?), until I earned a certain reputation. I changed a little bit since I was a child. I lost most of that baby fat and grew a better taste in clothes. I also learned l’arte de seduction which, aided by my money and my accent, made me irresistible to women. Having conquered so much, I became more self-confident, which allowed me to conquer even more. That vicious circle of happiness made me confident enough to even start my own business which was a great way to supplement my trust fund. I was doing pretty good, living in an artsy loft in New York like they do on TV, organizing concerts, parties, and specialized events.

Somehow, I got with Sarah. Lord knows that I felt I deserved her, but as I got to know her, I believed that less and less. Well, a little less, not a lot. I still thought I was pretty cool, only it was the first time in my life that I realized a girl could be cool too.

So she was my kind-of-steady girlfriend, and we hung out most nights, often having the sex, if you know what I mean. But she was independent enough to sometimes blow me off, and I say that because I am angry and disappointed, because what she actually said was “I need some time to myself, need to close a thing or two,” or other times “My apartment needs me,” or “Keep your dick on ice today, I gotta go.”

We even started organizing events together and we were working on this party. I Wall Street high roller wanted a roof party for his investor friends with some supermodels and a musical crowd to seem cool. I mean heck, money is cool, so we agreed to put it together. There was a lot of stuff to take care of, so I took Sarah on as a “music scene consultant” which she was great at.

I got up around 11 am on a Wednesday and walked downstairs into to my expansive loft. It was artistically decorated with modern pieces and couches made to look old and musty. It was big enough for a group of one hundred people to dance their balls of. Plus it had a wonderful view of the city. I was contemplating what a lucky bastard I was and how bad my breath must have smelled on my way to make myself some coffee when I saw it.

Shit.

It was a leg standing in the middle of my floor. A naked man’s leg standing there without the support of a body. Shit!

I got closer, it was definitely real flesh and blood. Even though it was discorpused, the blood was not gushing out, which was lucky for me because Sarah would get here any minute. I tried to pick it up, but it was fused with the concrete and locked in a vertical position by some invisible force. Shit! Just what I needed, a manifestation of the fucked up weirdness that followed me though my life. I did not want Sarah to see it, so I covered it with a bedspread and pretended it was not there. Just went ahead and had my coffee.

Sarah arrived soon after with her best friend Kathy. In a sense, they were opposites. Sarah came dressed in a white t-shirt and jeans, her hair was bleached silvery white, her makeup was slight. Kathy was dressed in black with chains and buckles, her hair was dyed black, he makeup was sharp and threatening. Sarah wore a slight ironic smile, Kathy looked disgusted. Sarah was cool and fresh, Kathy was annoyed and sweaty.

They both said hi in their own way, Sarah gave me a smooch on the cheek and laid out some folders on the kitchen counter. She went straight to talking business. She mentioned a few of her contacts she could use to promote this party in the high-end music circles and how much it would cost.

At one point, she lifted her head and saw the bedspread covering something in the middle of my floor. She finished her sentence but then asked “Hey, what is that?"

"Oh this?” I said, “It’s just my new sculpture I’ve been working on. It’s not big deal."

"Since when do you sculpt?” she asked.

”Since last night,” I said, and when I saw she was finding it hard to believe, I added “I saw a tutorial on YouTube and thought it would be fun to try."

"Can I see?” Kathy was already right by the sculpture.

”No, it’s not ready!” I said, “I’m very shy about it.”

She lifted the bedspread anyway and revealed the leg. “Wow, it looks funky,” she said with disgust. She touched it with her finger. “It feels weird. What is it made of?"

"Poly… plastic,” I made a bad attempt at improvisation. What are some materials people can use? Vinyl, leather, Styrofoam, papier-mâché, pigs bladders, wool, broken dreams.

”And you learned that,” Kathy pressed, “From a YouTube video?"

"Parts are 3d-printed. A friend helped me."

"So is it gonna be a person when you’re finished? Or some fucked up spider with human legs?"

"I don’t know,” I said, because I did not know. I looked back at Sarah, she was already back to a folder.

”So can we lay out this kind of money?” she asked.

”I don’t know,” I said, “I have to call Gervace.” Gervace was my financial adviser.

On the phone I said: “Hey Gervace."

"Hey man, how are you?” he said.

”Sarah wants to run some numbers by you."

"Listen,” he said. I could hear he was uneasy about something, “I was about to call you. There’s some things I need to discuss with you. It’s, uhm, it’s not a good conversation to have on the phone. Can you come over?"

"Sure,” I said.

”What was that about?” Sarah asked me when I was off the phone.

”Gervace wants me to come over."

"I’ll come too,” said Sarah.

”I’m driving,” said Kathy, disgusted.

”Sure, Kathy, you can come too,” I said sarcastically. I had a feeling something bad was happening. The leg was like a harbinger of doom. I wanted Sarah there with me. And, in a weird way, I wanted Kathy there too. I picked up my car keys from the coffee table and handed them to Kathy. She flashed a weird, unnatural smile at me. “One condition,” I said, pointing at her face, “Don’t do that again.”

One crazy ride across New York later, we were at Gervace’s office. It was a dull financial place, and Gervace was a basic financial adviser. He sat behind his desk ten to twelve hours a day, surrounded by fishing trophies and photos of his family. He was my age, which is still pretty young, but his hair was already beginning to thin.

”Oh wow, you all came,” he said. “Maybe you would be more comfortable if it was just the two of us."

"Nonsense, Gervace,” I said, “Anything you want to say, you can say in front of lovely Sarah. And Kathy."

"Very well, take a seat.”

There was a couch and comfortable chairs around a coffee table by the window in his office. His assistant brought us coffee (green tea for Kathy) and Gervace brought up some spreadsheets and diagrams on his tablet that he showed us throughout the conversation. He told us about a market crash in my home country and how that affected the trust fund, and also about my father being indicted (again) and his assets being frozen, and then about an audit that revealed some inconsistencies and fines had to be paid.

”So how much do I have left?"

"Very little,” said Gervace, “Less than one hundred dollars.”

What?” I screamed at the top of my lungs.

”Hah!” said Kathy, “Now you’re gonna have to live like the rest of us, poor folk, and actually work for a living. That’s rich."

"No I won’t, I own the apartment,” I said, and then to Gervace “Do I?"

"Yes, you still do."

"We can still organize this party and put you on your feet,” said Sarah.

”You do not have a budget,” said Gervace.

”The client can cover the expenses,” said Sarah, “And we can lower the costs, make sure we break even and then some. We just have to use our heads."

"You could also sell the apartment,” said Gervace.

”I’ll think about it,” I said. I was beginning to fall into the cold blue waters of depression. I was never great in a crisis.

”No need to sell it,” said Sarah, “We just need to be smart about spending. Maybe you can sell some stuff."

"Sell your ass on the street,” said Kathy.

”I can wait until you have mo re money to collect my fees,” said Gervace.

”No, Gervace,” said Sarah, I think we should resign from your services for now. We can take care of the finance ourselves, and running up your clock will just put us deeper and deeper in debt.

”Is that what you want?” he asked me.

”I guess,” I said.

”As you wish,” he said with tightened lips, like Batman’s Alfred.

We got out of there and drove to a fast food for lunch. “I’m buying,” said Sarah. “Very funny,” I replied. “I’ll get my own,” said Kathy. Ten minutes later, we were sitting in a booth, eating some greasy American food and discussing the plans.

”Wow, this really is ‘fast food,’” I said, “They made it in no time."

"Oh come on,” Sarah leaned back, put her fists on her hips, “You mean you never had any of this in your life?"

"Well,” I said, “It was not very popular in my country when I was growing up, and when I came over, I always paid more for my meals.”

Kathy laughed which made it difficult to keep her French fries in her mouth, “This is such a touching story. A real Richie Rich moment,” she hit the table with her hand, “Classic!"

"I think he’s joking a little bit."

"Maybe a little,” I said, “This is good, though, so I have to be careful if I want to maintain my weight. My personal trainer would not be happy about this.” And then I reflected that I probably did not have a personal trainer anymore. Or a maid. Or a masseuse. Or anyone. Not counting Sarah, whom I could not pay anymore, I had no more employees. Only… friends, I guess.

Kathy reached out across the table and held my hand. She pretended to be serious. “Hey, listen to me. I want you to know that you can always count on me,” she pretended like she was holding back tears, “To eat your french fries if you want to keep your tiny waist."

"You guys don’t know what it’s like,” I said, “Excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom.”

The bathroom was both gross and disgusting, it smelled of pee and disinfectant. I leaned on the sink and looked at myself in the mirror. I felt disgusting, and wanted to hurt myself so that Sarah would take care of me. I wanted to whine and drown in self-pity. But I was a self-taught guru in the art of seduction and I knew doing that would make me very unattractive, so I decided not to be unattractive and be attractive instead. I tried on a few smiles, but the most natural one was a sad smile of a seducer.

If nobody could love me for who I really was, they would love the pretty creation of myself. The guy in the mirror.

Then I thought about how Sarah took control of the situation at Gervace’s office, and I saw a brilliant smile come to my face all on its own. “Don’t be weird,” I said.

”Say what?” somebody said from a stall.

”Nothing, just talking to my friend here."

"There ain’t nobody there with you, I can tell. You just talking to yourself."

"I am my own friend, buddy,” I said.

”I bet you are, buddy.”

I got out of there and back to our booth, smiling and nonchalant. We talked some more about planning the party, and then spent the whole day doing boring legwork. We called the client, told him about the new model we wanted to implement and asked him to have his checkbook ready. He was not too happy about that. We then called the place which had the party roof. The were not too happy about getting an advance. Most of the others we called later were not too happy about the whole arrangement either.

But we had to make do. From that that day onward, I would have to make do. I know, I sound like somebody’s mother during wartime, or some shit like that. But hey, my problems were real to me.

That night, I got into my apartment. I specifically asked Sarah and Kathy to stay away because I did not know what the weird leg would be up to. I turned the lights on and saw it was now two legs and half a naked torso. A medium-sized penis was smack in the center of the crotch, as it usually is. I say medium sized, even though it was quite big, so you would think I have a big penis and think this size is normal. The torso had some nice abs.

I wrapped a towel around its waist. I guess I felt it was a little weird to have a naked stranger in my living room. Then I took a shower. When I got back, the stomach was complete and it began growing a chest. It was beginning to look like a Greek statue, except it was made of flesh.

”My, aren’t you growing fast,” I said out loud, as if it was a movie and I had to explain to the audience what was happening.

I decided it was not a good idea to go to sleep, so I sat on the couch and played some video games until the man grew up to half a head. Then I sat opposite him and stared intensely. The face slowly came into view. nobody I knew. Then I could see the brain, before it was covered with the dome of the skull and curly brown hair.

It was a clean-shaven man, about thirty years old. Lean, muscular, dreamy. Then he twitched and opened his eyes. They shot around the room and focused on me. He smiled a very broad, sincere, but creepy smile.

Posted by: Paweł Kowaluk